"A little inspiration and thanks can go a long way...!"

Wow! I had no idea that my "busy-ness" would keep me away from my blog for a month! So much for updating once a week...
Well, so much has been going on lately, and now Thanksgiving is almost here! I have so much to be thankful for this year...This time last year, I had just started treating my anxiety and panic attacks. But after a year of treatment, I am thrilled to report that I am 90% better! I feel like I have gotten my life back---I have gone from living in fear to a bit of living fearlessly! The Lord has helped me to conquer so many things--I can't even begin to count them all. I know that lots of people live everyday with anxiety and panic attacks, but I believe you can recover completely! I recently watched ABC's 2020 episode with Barbara Walters interview with Astronaut Mark Kelly and his wife, Senator Gabrielle Giffords. It was truly inspiring! This women was shot in the head by a mentally disturbed man while she was campaigning in her local neighborhood. They didn't know if she would even live, and now, 10 months later, she is walking and talking and getting better everyday. She may even run for Senate again! I thought, "If this woman can conquer such seemingly insurmountable odds, I can definitely conquer this anxiety thing!" Then, her therapist said something that really hit home with me, "If Gabby 'thinks' she can run for office, then Gabby 'can' run for office." More and more, researchers are finding just how amazing our brains are...Even if  it has been damaged in some way, the brain has a remarkable ability to recover and learn to compensate for the injury. In other words, the brain is very powerful! And I plan to put my brain to some positive use..."If Devan 'thinks' she can completely recover from anxiety and panic attacks, then she 'can' recover completely!" With the Lord's help, of course...and all things done according to His perfect timing.
So, what are you thankful for and what can your 'brain do for YOU'!"
Until next time...
Have a Blessed Thanksgiving!

Feels Good to Be Busy!

So, as the title suggests, things have been a bit busy around here. And it feels good! Teaching each week, preparing my students for a Christmas program at the local retirement home and searching for the right music for them to memorize for the upcoming Junior Music Festival.
Also, we are quickly becoming an established part of our new church, The First Wesleyan of Lexington. Nathan is doing a great job as songleader and I am, of course, providing piano music. Alot of piano music. These people love to sing! They have 3 congregational hymns, an offeratory, and a Penny March! Not to mention the prelude music! Don't get me wrong I am so glad to be of service, but it has added to my schedule. Nathan works late each evening so I'm trying to help out by planning all the music selections. So, Sunday morning service entails about 7 to 8 different songs. So, yeah, I'm pretty busy!
I am so thankful for the blessings of each new day and I look forward to tomorrow---confident that the Lord is my strength and help! Oh, and by the way, the anxiety issues are getting better and better. I have so much to be thankful for!

The Music of Life

 We haven't had a place to worship for about 2 months now.So, my husband and I are trying a new church. I'm pretty encouraged about it...the people seem really friendly. I think we could get involved and hopefully be a blessing. It's been awhile since we've been able to sing together. Also, I'm excited about playing piano in a church setting again.
I began playing piano for church around the age of 12. The regular pianist had unexpectantly passed away and thus I began playing for the congregation. No mean feat for a 12-year-old who had only been taking lessons for 2 years! I can still remember being so nervous after playing...my hands would be so cold that my mom would sit there and rub them to get them warmed up. I still get a little nervous. I think there's a bit of perfectionism in me that is horrified at the idea of a wrong note. Oh, well, I have never let a wrong note stop me from doing what I love to do...and that is play the piano.
I have loved piano ever since I can  remember. My great-grandmother played the organ. I never heard her play, but my grandmother said she was a natural---could play by ear---didn't need the music in front of her. I didn't inherit that ability but I did inherit her love of playing piano.
So, in the days, weeks and months ahead, I look forward to making new friends and sharing with them the gift and beauty of music.
I'll let ya know how it goes...Until next time, Life...Enjoy it!

"Life can be such a Blessing"

So, I have Fridays all to myself. I usually begin by running over to our local Starbucks and getting a Peppermint Mocha. There's just something so relaxing about sipping coffee. Helps me put the rest of the day in perspective.
Then, I have various other chores. This weekend, we may be having some company, so I plan on washing sheets, tidying up the house and making some yummy Chocolate Marshmallow Brownies!
Things have been going so well lately and I'm so thankful. Of course, life is still stressful at times...but I am in a much more stable state-of-mind compared to a year ago. The Lord has taught me so many new things about myself and others. I have more compassion for other people. Going through personal hardships will do that for you! I hope that I can be an encouragement to others going through trials, particularly those dealing with chemical imbalances that cause anxiety and such...I can "empathize" with anxiety and panic attack sufferers. Life can be so overwhelming when you have an imbalance. But at this present time, with the help of the Lord, medication therapy, and the never-failing support of my awesome husband, my good days FAR outnumber my bad days!
So, here I sit, sipping my Peppermint Mocha coffee and being thankful for my many blessings!
Hope you all have an awesome weekend...Until next time...ENJOY LIFE!

"Adagio for Strings"

Well, I now have been on my new schedule for two weeks! I have been having a great time with my 6 students. They haven't been in lessons for 2 years, but it's amazing how quickly they are "gettin'-in-the-groove"!
I haven't had one panic attack (because I've been taking my medicine like a good girl). Haven't really experienced any anxiety either. Such a change from 18 months ago. And I'm so thankful...the Lord is continually helping and healing me!
So, my plans for this year of teaching is to: (1. Continue preparing well-rounded musicians (2. Ready them for a Christmas program for a local retirement home (3. Enter as many as want to into our Annual Junior Music Festival and (4. End the year with our Spring recital.
Lots of work to be done and lots of beautiful music to be learned...It's so wonderful to enrich lives with music! Until next time, please enjoy one of my all-time favorites by the very talented, 20th-century composer, Samuel Barber. If I could express in music all that I've been through these past two years, it would be with Barber's "Adagio for Strings".
Enjoy Life!

Quick Update!

Well, my first week back to teaching was a success! Thank you, Lord! I have been excited and apprehensive about how it would turn out. Because, of course, panic attacks and schedules don't usually complement each other! Yet, I feel totally inspired and confident that the time is right. Looking forward to great things for this year!

Until next time...Enjoy life!

On My Road to Recovery: Back to Teaching Music

Well, it's that time again! I'm so excited to be going back to teaching. I haven't taught in over a year so I'm "easing" back into it slowly. At one time, I was teaching 29 private 30 minute lessons, Monday thru Friday. But that was before this 'anxiety' mess! Beginning tomorrow, I will be teaching 6 private 30 minute lessons: 3 on Tuesdays and 3 on Thursdays. You wouldn't believe what an answer to prayer this is! I'm excited and nervous. The last lessons I taught, my nerves were pretty shot and anxiety issues were in full swing. But, this time, I have 10 months of recovery under my belt...and I have help. It's called "Cognitive Behavior Therapy", and if that doesn't work, it's called "Xanax". Thank the Lord for modern day miracles!
From this point on, I'll be updating this blog about once a week. That's the goal. This is now my "Recovering from Anxiety" blog. I'm not content with living with it anymore...with the Lord's help, I'm gonna kick this thing! Here's one of my favorite songs for you to enjoy! Until next time...LOVE LIFE!!

"Inner Strength"

I am just now getting around to writing this particular post because it is so intensely personal to me. I have been a committed Christian for about 19 years now. I knew that the Lord forgave my sins when I was 11. I truly became a 'follower of Christ' around 16. I say 'truly became' because it was around that time that my relationship began to grow deeply personal for me. It became more than just 'sins forgiven'...I wanted within my heart of hearts to be truly pleasing to the Lord. I began to see Jesus as not just a Savior, but also a very real Friend.

I don't know what I would have done these past 2 years without the inner strength that the Lord has provided. I have been through such a long, dark valley---so dark that sometimes I've lost sight of the light at the end of the tunnel. But, when things became the blackest, it was at that moment that I truly began to live that poem, "Footprints in the Sand" (by Mary Stevenson)

The Lord is my Inner Strength, my Savior, my Friend...He has always helped me through my worst moments. My hope lies in Him and this gives me everything I need.

Cat Therapy

Four years ago, a grey little ball-of-fur came into our lives. I wasn't exactly 'thrilled' by the idea of having a pet. When I was about 12, I had begged for an indoor cat and my wish was granted. However, my 'dream cat' turned out to be a 'demon cat' and Peaches was put up for adoption one year later. I still have a scar on my wrist from that old cat!

Well, I'm so glad that my husband finally convinced me, because Adagio has been such a bright spot for us--especially these past 2 years.

It has been shown that caring for a pet can help reduce stress, anxiety and other emotional issues. I know for a fact that just watching Adagio meticulously clean himself has a calming effect on me. I understand that many people are allergic to cats and dogs, but even watching a fish calmly swimming in its tank can provide a bit of 'pet therapy'.

So, go ahead and take the plunge into Pet Therapy...you'll reduce your anxiety and gain a little friend too!

Until next time...Enjoy Life!

Facing the Fear

As I continue to overcome my bout with anxiety, I have found what is called "Cognitive Behavior Therapy" very helpful. http://psychology.about.com/od/psychotherapy/a/cbt.htm

 I call it "Facing the Fear".

The way that I have used this particular therapy is to allow myself to "stay in the moment", feeling the symptoms of anxiety. I tell myself that I've experienced this before and nothing earth-shattering happened. I deliberately will myself to face the anxiety instead of running from it. Gradually, the symptoms decrease and I begin to relax. Since applying CBT to my life, amazingly, each time I begin to experience an anxiety-inducing situation, the degree of symptoms lessen and relief comes more quickly.

I feel more confident and I've been able to allow myself into situations that I've been avoiding for the past year. It seems so simple, but it's not. It takes time and dedication. My goal is to be as mentally and physically healthy as is possible. I believe that CBT has sped up this process for me. I encourage you to try it for yourself. I promise you'll be amazed!

Until next time...Enjoy life!

Keeping It Real!

So, we've waded through my personal "slough of despond"...now it's time for the sun to come out!

In order to get my brain back under control, my doctor put me on an ant-idepressant. I have now been on this treatment for 9 months and I have seen VAST improvement. I have always been skeptical of medicating my problem. I tend to want a natural, holistic approach. I tried various herbal remedies for about a year and a half with little to no improvement. St. John's Wort, Valerian Root--- you name it---I've probably tried it! One day, I hope to be stable enough to gradually come off the medication. But, until then, I'm enjoying each new day as it comes. I'm even going back to teaching this fall! Woo-Hoo!

It feels so good to have energy these days. I still struggle with some anxiety, but usually I'm able to overcome it before it gets to the point of needing a Xanax.

Today's advice, from one anxiety sufferer to another:" Don't be afraid to take your medication". If it improves your quality of life then it's worth it. I was afraid of side effects, but I have only experienced good changes in my body. Taking antidepressants does not mean your 'crazy'. It  means you have a very real medical condition that needs treatment. Do yourself and those you love a big favor. Kick the stigma in the shins...and keep it real!

Enjoy life!

A Bit about Me--Part 2

So, I know you have been "dying" to hear the rest of my story. Well, let's see...where was I? Oh, yes, I was just taking an unexpected "detour". My husband says it was more like "falling off a cliff". However, you describe it, one thing's for sure...it turned my world up-side down.

I can still remember when it first struck: May 18, 2009. After a series of events which I am convinced were due to Divine intervention, Nathan was able to get his job back. It was like a load had been lifted from my shoulders. I no longer had to be so strong. Unfortunately, all the stress I had been ignoring pushed its way to the front. It would not be shoved aside any longer. I guess I just couldn't deal with it--which is not easy to admit. I had always prided myself on being strong--able to deal with whatever life threw my way. My doctor described it this way. Due to fact of my family history of chemical imbalance, I more than likely was born with lower serotonin levels. Serotonin is a brain chemical which supplies that feeling of well-being. If your levels are low, you can begin to experience all kinds of negative side effects like: low energy levels, anxiety, depression and just plain feeling bad.

Well,on May 18, 2009, I just feel apart. At first, I thought I had the flu--but I didn't have the usual symptoms. I was experiencing insomnia, loss of appetite, muscle spasms that would jerk me awake at night, weakness and crying---lots of crying. After about a week, I went to my doctor. I couldn't function. I was at the end of the school year, so piano lessons were coming to a close. But, I still had the Spring Recital for which I had been preparing my  20+ students. So, I had to get well and fast.

Everything had happened so fast that I didn't have time to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Remember, I thought it was the flu. Well, my doctor did too. So I went home and tried to get better. Instead, I got worse. I ended up having to cancel my Recital. I was pretty much spending my time in bed...sick as a dog and getting weaker and weaker.

 My mom came a week later to stay with me while Nathan worked. She encouraged me to try to eat a little bit and to try to walk to gain my strength back. I started to slowly improve. That was the month of June 2009. In July 2009, my neck went out. The left side of my neck swelled. You couldn't tell by looking but I could feel it. So back to the doctor I went. I ended up having a CAT scan to check the lymph nodes. They were fine. My diagnosis: neck strain. Probably from all my muscle tension due to anxiety. So, off I go for physical therapy. I still didn't feel like myself, so I requested a blood test be done. Result: Everything looked normal. But I could feel deep down that something wasn't right.  After about 4 weeks, my neck was in much better shape. We then headed off on our annual trip to visit family in the state of Delaware. When we came back, it was time to begin school year piano lessons. And so I taught that year. Things just continued to go wrong with me. I developed indigestion for about 2 months, then I started experiencing heart palpatations. I was still having trouble sleeping. But, I told myself, 'Be strong. Don't be a crybaby. Just keep going and everything will work itself out.' I was able to keep it together and finish the school year and the end-of-the-year Recital. Then, in May 2010, I fell apart again. This time, the terrible anxiety attacks came upon me with an unrelenting vengeance. I had mild panic attacks while driving or grocery shopping and I became afraid. Fear and anxiety totally shut me down and I became mildly agoraphobic.

The summer of 2010, I decided to take the next year off from teaching and get to the bottom of my problems. I had been trying to eat healthly and I was using herbs to help with my various issues but nothing was helping. So, back I went to the doctor, but this time I was pretty sure I was dealing with an anxiety issue and that all my various problems were somehow linked to it. Again, I received a blood test to rule out any underlying medical condition. Everything came back clear except that I was a little low in Vitamin D. So, my doctor was convinced that I very likely was experiencing a chemical imbalance. Well, at least I could now stop wondering and haunting sites like Web MD trying to self- diagnose. Hope had sprung because now I had an answer! My problem had a name and my doctor was going to be able to help me!

Next time, I will get into my current treatment plan and how things are going for me these days.

Thanks for reading my story. I hope my story helps anxiety sufferers feel a little less alone, a little less isolated. I still have a lot of healing to go through...my journey is far from over. But, there is hope--a glorious light at the end of this long, dark tunnel. I would love to hear from you! Feel free to leave me a question or a comment...Until next time!

A Bit about Me--Part 1

I don't really relish talking about my problems. I find that people who like to talk ALL the time about their issues physically drain me. "Energy Vampires", I like to call them. Yeah--I try to steer clear of those individuals.

But, in order to understand this blog, I think I need to open up and be a little vulnerable. So, here goes...

My experience with the thing called "Anxiety" followed a pretty normal course up until May 2009. Of course, we all get a bit stressed from time to time--but it goes away. "Goes Away" is the key phrase here. In November 2007, my 29 year old husband was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. As if this wasn't horrible enough, he faced losing his current job due to restrictions. His company wouldn't allow him to drive truck and be on insulin.

Ok--mild panic sets in as we try to figure out what to do. Oh--he can be on oral medication for diabetes and still drive! Problem solved. Well this worked for about a year until it became glaringly apparent that he just plain needed to be on insulin. He lost so much weight and became mildly depressed because every time he wanted to eat carbs, he would have to do so much cardio just to bring his blood sugar numbers down. When I mean lose weight, I mean my 150 lb., 5'10" husband turned into a Nazi war prisoner! I could see his hip bones! Well, he just had to go on insulin. And so--he lost his job.

Well, we'll be okay, I told myself--not realizing all the panic and stress that I was sweeping under my mental rug. At that time, I was a piano teacher. I was teaching 28 students and taking all the new students I could get to keep us afloat. He was getting a little disability and some unemployment, but we had just purchased a new house and it was pretty scary.

So, I put my shoulder to the wheel and worked. I was so stressed about our money situation that I never took a day off--I taught whether I felt like it or not. I realize that many people do this day after day, year after year. The difference between them and me was a predisposition and family history of chemical imbalance which was lurking just beneath the surface.

I held up nicely for about nine months--and then my life took a detour that I never saw coming.

To Be Continued...

Rising Above It

Living with a chemical imbalance is not for the faint-of-heart.
Somedays, it can be "almost normal". By this I mean that I wake up with energy, calm nerves and ready to conquer my world! Other times, it can be the anti-thesis of normal: anxious feelings, tense, achey muscles, and zero energy. On those days, it can be a struggle to even breathe, but you know what? I survive. I go on to live another day.
I still have alot to offer my world. I'm not worthless just because my brain decided to go hay-wire that day. Tomorrow will be a better day. A day full of energy and rich life-experiences.

I choose to rise above my circumstances. My chemical imbalance is part of who I am, but it DOES NOT define me. I choose to live with courage and faith. I'm not sure what tomorrow will be like...but I will follow my dreams...because life is too wonderful not to live!